Inkheart: The Movie
by netrat
Summary: Save ten bucks for a ticket to the cinema by reading this quick, comprehensive summary! Enjoy.


**Inkheart: The Movie, summarized by netrat**

DISCLAIMER: Movie's not mine. This summary is.

NINE YEARS AGO

Mo is lazing around, reading aloud from Grimm's Fairy Tales while his wife, Resa, is doing all the chores.

Mo:

And Hansel and Gretel lived happily ever after … Honey, what's that burnt smell?

Resa, appearing from the kitchen:

Oh, just an old witch in the oven. Have you seen my cat? And sweetie, there's a little boy in here with his teeth stuck in the windowsill. Looks like he was trying to eat it … Have you seen my other cat?

Mo:

No, but do you want me to read Inkheart to you?

Resa:

Yes, please.

NOW

Mo and Meggie arrive at the little village, complete with a little village flea-market so big it's a wonder that the little village used-book shop is doing any business at all.

Meggie:

Oh, look, The Secret Garden! Another one for my collection! – Oh, hello, little Whatever-you-are … couldn't they get a trained _marten_? *pets Gwin anyway*

Dustfinger, appearing out of nowhere, trying to look creepy:

Don't pet him, he's evil. Don't let cute looks fool you. Which, given that everything to do with the villains in this movie is as sinister-looking as humanly possible, is not that useful a piece of advice … but anyway.

Mo comes out of the bookshop with his new copy of Inkheart.

Audience:

What happened to the old one, anyway?

Writers:

Capricorn ate it. Look, just go along with us here, all right?

Mo:

Away from my daughter!

Dustfinger:

My, my, look at that. I just happen to show up after nine years on the very day you've found the book. That's either destiny or a really crappy script.

Mo:

Screw destiny! – Uh, I'm gonna tackle you now. Please don't use the fire against me.

Dustfinger:

What? Fire? Why would I?

Soon, Meggie and Mo are underway to Italy.

Aunt Elinor (her door, by the way, has warnings on it in four different languages. The German one is mistranslated, making you wonder what nationality she's supposed to be again):

Hello, Mortimer. Child, shut up and stay in your room until you go away.

She then proceeds to make breakfast conversation about dead mothers, unsurprisingly cutting the experience rather short.

Meggie:

Mo, please tell me the truth about my mum!

Mo:

No. You're too young to understand.

Meggie:

Please! Did she run off with the postman? Did she leave you for a billionaire? Did she take a job for the CIA and go undercover in a brothel? Did she have a sex-change operation and is now living as a husband and father?

Mo:

No! What? What? Yeesh, what kind of books have you been reading lately?

Aunt Elinor and Meggie bond over their love of books.

Aunt Elinor:

Child, shut up and stay away from my valuable manuscript.

Meggie:

It's Persian, isn't it? I smeared my nose against the glass until I could identify the exact shade of pink the ancient Persians used.

Aunt Elinor:

Know-it-all child, shut up and stay away from my valuable manuscript.

Meanwhile, outside … Dustfinger arrives.

Audience:

AND HOW THE HECK DID HE FOLLOW THEM HERE?

He goes inside, apparently without triggering the alarm.

Dustfinger:

Hi there, Silvertongue. Gimme the book. I wanna go home.

Capricorn's men arrive, apparently without triggering the alarm.

Meggie:

Mo, watch out!

Mo:

Not my daughter! *attacks nearest arsonist*

Unnamed Arsonist with Orange Hair:

Aah! The hair! He hit my hair! Dozens of hairdressing hours have been wasted!

Surprisingly Old Guy Who Somehow Is Basta:

We've got the book, the guy, and the girl! Dustfinger, are you coming?

Dustfinger, appearing from Mo's study:

Uh, what? Sorry, got engrossed in that Lord of the Rings story … books aren't so bad now that I'm apparently a fluent reader.

They leave Elinor's lavish mansion and pass a pyre of books.

Dustfinger:

Meggie, sorry for betraying your father. Have a book.

Meggie:

*looks at him like he's a complete moron*

The audience can identify, even though it _likes_ Dustfinger.

Meanwhile, in Capricorn's hideout …

Capricorn:

*rides through the village on a unicorn, singing* _I'm the evil Capricorn, and my pony has a horn … _*clears throat* Uh, hello, minions. Bring this creature into the stable.

Minions, in a fear-filled whisper:

A _unicorn_? I thought the flying monkeys were a bit much, but now he's really losing it! – Wonder what he'll have Darius read out next: a cute Collie dog? A talking dolphin?

Capricorn:

Welcome, guests. Mo, read for me. Meggie …

Mo:

Not my daughter! *attacks nearest arsonist*

Meggie:

Mo, watch out!

Capricorn:

Shut up, both of you. Dustfinger …

Dustfinger:

I wanna go home.

Capricorn:

Yeah, sorry 'bout that, you can't. Hey, I wonder if books burn? *does try*

Dustfinger:

Noo! *tries to grab the book out of the fire, but manages only to burn his hands*

Audience:

Maybe you should use your fire powers, since apparently, here, you can.

Dustfinger:

Uh, what? Fire? Sorry?

Audience:

And why didn't you burn your hands grabbing the _last_ book out of the flames five minutes or so ago?

The scriptwriters can't hear this latest comment. There's a heated argument going on in their room: "… and _I_ say he can! He rubbed his hands and sparks flew, so there!" – "Well, but _I_ say he can't magick the lock later on …" – "Of course he can't! What's he gonna do, _make a flame key_?"

Anyway.

Mo:

*reads from Arabian Nights* And then a lot of gold fell from the sky, even sacks full of it, but luckily the robbers had taken care only to take very _light_ coins so that, should they fall on people, no-one would get hurt.

Farid makes his entrance. An arsonist appears right in front of the Fourty Thieves in his stead. We cut away before he gets his throat … cut. (Sorry for the clumsy wording here.)

Capricorn orders Farid fed to the crocodile, an order that will be blatantly ignored.

Meggie:

Mo, tell me the truth!

Mo:

All right, then. I read your mother into the book.

Aunt Elinor:

I'm glad that your daughter was wrong about the undercover prostituting!

Meanwhile, in the kitchen …

Resa is making signs to indicate that Capricorn is torturing her by forcing her to wear ridiculous outfits.

Dustfinger:

Oh, deary me, I've burned my hands. Again.

Audience, somewhat exasperated:

Fire doesn't like you, eh?

Dustfinger:

Uh, what? Fire? Sorry, is there something you think I should know?

He slips Resa a key, then offers Mo and the others a way out – informing us that a) he's read the Wizard of Oz and b) he doesn't much care if their escape attempt costs the lives of many innocent villagers. Oh, and he leaves Resa behind.

Meanwhile, in Kansas …

It's peaceful: the calm after the storm. An old man is sitting on his porch, half-asleep. An arsonist dusts himself off.

Arsonist:

Hi, pops. *stabs him*

Our heroes track down Fenoglio, who is amazed to see Dustfinger.

Fenoglio:

Worship me, I'm your creator! Nice scars! Would you like some more, 'cause I think I can arrange that? And d'you want to know the end of the book? YOU DIE!

(I'm exaggerating here, but really not by much.)

Dustfinger and Mo take his manuscript and sports car and go looking for Resa.

Meggie:

I can't sleep, so I'm going to calm myself by reading about a whirlwind that rips entire houses off the ground. *seems less than surprised to hear the storm outside* Gee, I hope no-one's living in this little village, either. I'd better read me a dog.

Capricorn's men show up, with Fenoglio as their hostage.

Meggie:

Down, Fictional Dog! Down!

Fenoglio:

Did you hear that, arsonists? She's read herself out a fictional dog! I bet she'd be better at reading out fictional monstrosities than her father, who by the way is off to visit you, is!

(You think I'm exaggerating? Well, maybe a very, very little.)

At the Abode of Evil …

Watchman:

D'you hear that?

Second Watchman:

What – the constant mutterings of that crusty old Aunt Elinor? You think she's on her way here? I don't believe you.

Dustfinger, Mo, and Farid (who had hidden in the trunk) infiltrate the castle. Farid surprises Dustfinger with his ability to climb rooftops. Dustfinger, for that matter, is still a lot more skilled at it than Mo, despite wearing the worst possible outfit for climbing.

Mo:

Seeing as I'm so clumsy and I don't know my way round, I'm obviously the best choice for rescuing Resa!

Farid and Dustfinger get accosted by guards. Dustfinger kicks one, allowing Farid to escape, then stands in front of them empty-handedly.

Audience:

Gee, a little fire would come in right handy now, wouldn't it?

Dustfinger:

Sorry? Fire what? I just wanna go home!

Meanwhile, Fenoglio is trying to find the right words.

Fenoglio:

Meggie, you're the sweetest little girl one could hope to be EXECUTED WITH!

(You STILL think I'm exaggerating?)

Resa, sitting in a net, grabs Dustfinger's hair as he is led past her.

Dustfinger:

Ow! That hurt! Have you no respect? Curls like those don't come naturally, you know! – Oh, and by the way, your husband's gonna save you. Then I can go home.

He escapes and returns to Mo and Farid to report.

Mo:

Not my daughter! *looks round for arsonists to attack*

Meggie is led past Resa's net and sees her mouthing 'Meggie'.

Audience:

Now, girl, just be quiet and you both might live through the day.

Meggie:

Mum! MUM! Mum, they want me to read but they so totally can't make me!

Capricorn:

Can't we, now? Hi, 'mum'.

Audience:

See? Told you.

Meggie is distressed. Even the dress Mortola gives her can't cheer her up.

Audience:

And where did they get that from?

Writers:

Capricorn's own personal clothes drawer. Look, stop asking these questions, all right?

Mo:

Here's the rescue plan. I … rescue my wife and daughter … somehow … and you set fire to Capricorn's castle. That'll teach him to be an arsonist!

Dustfinger:

But … fire! How are we going to do that?

Mo, looking every bit as pained as the audience does by now:

What sort of a Firedancer are you? Use a canister of gas, if you must.

Those audience members who always wanted to see Dustfinger use a canister of gas in order to set fire to someone's house get their wish. If there are any.

Meggie dutifully reads out the Shadow, then on the spur of the moment makes up some words that turn out to be the right ones.

Meggie:

And, uh, everyone who's evil shall just crumble to dust, and everyone who's good shall be alive again just not, you know, here. And everyone who's my mother and happens to be mute shall have her voice back. There. Have I missed anything?

Audience:

Yes – how 'bout sending the guy who's spent the entire movie like a stuck record saying "I wanna go home" back?

Farid:

Will you teach me, Dustfinger?

Dustfinger:

Shut up and carry my bag.

Literally ten seconds later, Mo shows up to read him back.

Farid:

Don't worry about me. Apparently my ten-second apprenticeship has taught me everything I need to know. – Hey, Meggie, will you teach me to read if I teach you Dustfinger's tricks? They're so ridiculously easy that _anyone_ can do them even in _our_ world. In fact, _he_ seems to be the one who has the _most_ trouble doing them.

We close on the blissful image of Dustfinger and Roxane re-united.

Roxane:

Hi there. How's the fire?

Dustfinger:

CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY EVERYONE IS TALKING TO ME ABOUT FIRE? Is there maybe something I should know?

Anyway.


End file.
